


I Know This Room and I've Walked This Floor

by Somany_ships



Series: My Life and Dreams as Told Through Fanfiction [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Sonny, rafael is so good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 22:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13580526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somany_ships/pseuds/Somany_ships
Summary: While Sonny was in his twenties and still studying for the police academy he was given the instance of a transgender kid who was abused and left on the road by his family. This is when everything clicked. Of course, he was still a she in his twenties.He said some stupid shit to Amanda about why someone would want to be a girl because that was the last thing he wanted, he tried to distance himself from being feminine as much as possible.





	I Know This Room and I've Walked This Floor

**Author's Note:**

> Little Self-indulgent angst-fest with fluff at the end because that's what I need in my life.
> 
> It's not been looked over bc no one that I know is into anything I'm into, so there will probably be mistakes.
> 
> I don't actually head cannon Sonny as trans, btw. He only is in this fic bc I am irl and ya know. self indulgence.

While Sonny was in his twenties and still studying for the police academy he was given the instance of a transgender kid who was abused and left on the road by his family. This is when everything clicked. Of course he was still a she in his twenties.

A decade and a half later when he was in his mid-thirties and working with Manhattan SVU when a case involving a transgender girl arose. He said some stupid shit to Amanda about why someone would want to be a girl, because that was the last thing he wanted, he tried to distance himself from being feminine as much as possible.

Five years later and he had been married to Rafael for 2 years, he had been transitioning for long enough that it was hard to tell that he may ever have needed to.

And then he felt it.

It wasn’t strong, it wasn’t overwhelming, or it wouldn’t have been to anyone else. But Sonny wasn’t just anyone else.

He immediately wanted to puke, but he had a job to do and he was going to do it.

He and Amanda were in the car when she looked over to him clutching the wheel with almost all of his strength. He was looking to the road but his eyes appeared glossy. “You okay?” Sonny almost didn’t register that the question was for him. He just spat out a dismissive “Fine.” and drove to the office in silence. 

Once there he filled out some paperwork before deciding to just book it home. He stopped at an empty drugstore to buy some pads and left with a mumbled “for my sister” when the cashier gave him a slightly confused look. 

The closer he was to his apartment the more he started trembling, his vision started to blur around the edges when he would zone out.

He got home and it took about three tries to get the key into the keyhole and once he finally got in he could barely open the door because his grip on the handle was minimal and weak.

As he entered he flipped the light on and dropped his jacket and sauntered off to the bathroom where he just stood before having to face the inevitable. When he did he couldn’t move. It wasn’t a lot, really not a lot for how long he had been out without any protection on, but Sonny froze at the sight and reality of it. 

He lost track of time, his head started spinning and he was hit again with a wave of nausea, but he couldn’t move or bring himself to do anything. He couldn’t even stop the tears that began to well in his eyes and fall.

Maybe it had been an hour before he was finally able to move again. He just threw the underwear he was wearing away and grabbed an older pair, and shoved the pad messily in. It was uncomfortable and felt foreign and wrong. His stomach started to ache but he couldn’t mentally tell himself to get Advil so he just went to his bedroom and fell on his bed and curled into himself and continued to cry.

By the time Rafael came home Sonny was just laying in silence and staring into the dark. Rafael yelled that he was home but was met with no response. Sonny could hear his steps soften, Rafael probably assuming that he was asleep. He tried to act normal, or as normal as his brain could act in its current state.

Sonny was prone to sleeping on his back unless he had fallen asleep cuddling with Rafael, so an immediate alarm went off in Rafael’s head when he saw Sonny curled into a small unmoving ball. “Sonny? Mi Sol? What’s the matter?” Sonny felt the bed dip when Rafael sat down next to him, rubbing his hips (since that’s what was closest).

He involuntarily flinched away from Rafael’s hand but sat up to face him immediately afterwards. Rafael gently lifted his hand to Sonny’s face which was swollen and red. Sonny wasn’t crying anymore but his voice still felt fragile and broke when he tried explaining to Rafael what happened.

Sonny recently had to lower his testosterone levels because they were consistently running high and had the potential to be bad for Sonny’s health.

“Cariño...You know this doesn’t change anything, right?” 

The words rang in Sonny’s head. They sounded so similar to something he’d tell a victim who was concerned about what might happen to them or their reputation. He shuddered that it was time for him to be talked to like a victim.

But he knew Rafael meant well.

It just stung a little bit.

“Yeah, I know, just...it’s been so long. I forgot it could…” he cut himself off with a groan of frustration and discomfort.

“Hey, it’s okay. You want some pain meds?” Sonny nodded and laid back on the bed, still curled into a ball. “I’ll be right back.”

Sonny somehow managed to get off the bed enough to change into his pajamas which were essentially old sweats and nothing else. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, slouched over enough that his elbows almost hung past his knees.

“Here you go.” Rafael’s words were abrupt and broke the silence Sonny was basking in. “Large glass of water, please finish it all. It’ll help.” 

Sonny downed it and laid open on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

“Hey, where does it hurt?” Sonny grunted in a general non-answer so Rafael decided to keep talking. “Here?” He had straddled Sonny’s body and began kissing the now faint scars from his top surgery. Sonny propped himself up on his elbows and shot a questioning look to Rafael.

“No? How about here?” He then placed a small peck on the center of Sonny’s head, and travelled them down to his jaw where he sucked a small mark on his neck. “Here?” He jumped to Sonny’s abdomen and placed a few more kisses and marks there. 

“Or,” He looked Sonny dead in the eye with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes, and laid his longest, fullest kiss over his heart. “Here?” He was kneading at Sonny’s stomach lightly; just enough to ease the actual physical pain in his stomach. 

Sonny’s face was red but smiling and teary-eyed again, however this time with happiness. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” Sonny mumbled lovingly at Rafael who responded with a simple “I could ask the same thing of you.” Rafael pulled up to kiss Sonny properly and he all but fell on the taller man when Sonny yanked Rafael into him. 

When he had to break for air, he could feel his how warm his body was and he could see how warm Sonny’s was. Rafael cracked the biggest smile into Sonny’s chest and ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair. 

“You’re beautiful, you always have been and some stupid temporary mishap isn’t going to change that, okay?” Sonny grabbed Rafael’s hips and, with a small giggle, agreed. 

They stayed like that for a little bit. Rafael’s hands on Sonny’s face, straddling Sonny’s body and Sonny was just holding Rafael’s hips and looking at his favorite person.

He leaned his head forward so that their foreheads were touching.

“Hey.” 

“Hi.”

“You know what else is supposed to help with cramps?”

“What?” Sonny just looked him in the eye and kissed him in response.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen  
> Kind of, it was changed a bit
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know what this was, I just needed some fluff in my life where I can pretend I don't hate myself.


End file.
